now i know why i became what i already was.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
