my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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