I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
