Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
