oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
