There was a lot of him and a little penis
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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