peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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