I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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