She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
