uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
