I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize