I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
