that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize