So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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