She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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