Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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