So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
