On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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