I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
