She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize