i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
