I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
