It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
