I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
