i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
