im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
