I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
