also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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