My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
