apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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