he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
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