I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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