just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
