Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
