I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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