don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
