so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You're like the curious george of whores
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
