you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
