I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
