Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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