Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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