My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Randomize
