Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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