My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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