Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
