Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
