Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
