Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
