I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
