i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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