Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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