I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
