Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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