I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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