Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize