you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
